Wheat Thins? Call me when they're Wheat THICKS? Gimme that wheat!
“We’ve never had an edition of Harris’s Foam Corner where you didn’t have at least eight terrible ones.” - Scott Aukerman
"Okay, here it goes..." - Harris Wittels
Can I ask you a question, Scott? Cause I can’t find this anywhere. Is the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire?
This is a true sidebar: I just saw that Jennifer Convertibles just opened up a car dealership. It’s called Jennifer Sofas.
If there’s three people sitting in the back seat of a car or something… Say I’m in the middle, and Huell and Michael are on either side of me, and people go: “Hey that’s a Huell and Michael sandwich!” But no, cause you don’t identify a sandwich by its bread. You don’t say it’s a white-bread sandwich.
I just found out that McDonalds tortures their chickens; they boil them alive and slit their throats or something, and all sorts of crazy shit. But when I found this out I couldn’t believe it: that they use chicken in chicken nuggets, because I’ve never seen part of a chicken that is shaped naturally like a boot or an oval.
I don’t trust the whole crepe craze. (First of all, there’s a crepe craze. Second of all, I don’t trust it). I don’t trust anything you can put ham or chocolate on. (That was a joke about dangling prepositions!)
Can I leave on a good invention I thought of? Food tape: it’s like edible adhesive tape that you can put around ice cream cones, or your sandwiches if they break, or your tacos, and it’s edible and flavorless. Oh, but there’s a slogan too: “Cause food breaks!”
It’s weird that pineapple supposedly makes your semen taste better, yet semen makes pineapple taste terrible!
So I was thinking about how a lot of people feel shame while they masturbate. Actually, I feel like if God didn’t want us to “j that shit off,” he wouldn’t have given us small sandwich baggies filled with warm grape jelly and rubber bands.
I’m actually pretty sad. My therapist died a couple days ago ~then Scott ruins the punch line~ I have no one to talk to about it. When I get really sad like this, I find solace in just thinking that my wife probably won’t be born for another 30 years.
What do you get when you cross the holocaust with a baby-clothing store? Oshkosh B’g-Auschwitz.
This is my impression of a good dentist with a good family: “Getting my son to clean his room is like pulling teeth! Really easy!”
Remember a time when everyone in America just seemed to have steak in their refrigerators, and they would put it on someone’s eye if they had a black eye? You don’t see that much anymore.
I like a vagina to be nice and bald. Nothing makes my penis harder than when a girl’s vagina looks like a baby’s butt.
People say, “I LOL’d”. It should be “L’d OL” because you don’t “laugh out loud-ed”. You laughed out loud.
You know old wives tales? Are the wives old or is the tale?
Just call half and half “one”!
The Burbank airport is called the Bob Hope Airport. That’s two things I don’t wanna do while flying: “bob” and “hope”.
Did I tell you I went window-shopping in New York last week? I bought a window.
I’m not gay but my asshole is.
Did you know I graduated college early? It was like 7 AM.
If you’re looking for a book in the self-help section, and you can’t find it, do you ask? (That joke’s called “Shelf-help”).
Hotel checkout is 11 but check in is 3, so … the fuck? I imagine it’s for cleaning but it doesn’t take that long to clean. I guess just make check out later.
Spit doesn’t smell bad unless you rub it in.
What’s Bill Cosby’s stance on jell-o shots? Conflicted? Probably.
This is just an argument that I will start with someone cause it will always make them angry: The Beatles are only as good as they are because they got to play it first, cause a lot of music wasn’t already taken. So if you take the Silversun Pickups, who I don’t like that much but they are musicians and they are a band. I think if they were born in Liverpool in 1950s whatever, they would’ve discovered “hey maybe if we distort our guitars and shout a little bit.” They could’ve done that and we would’ve been like “Oh, they’re The Beatles.” So that’s why I’ll say that the Silversun Pickups are as good as The Beatles.
A donut hole store called “Hole foods” (Harris pronounced it “Holef Oods”)
That guy I was telling you about, my friend in high school that did heroin? He was a good student, and he did do a lot of heroin and with used needles. He got straight aids.
Harris: This is just true: My uncle had a store that he sold drums and sofas in. (I’m gonna leave that preposition dangling). He charged people percussion. My other uncle, his brother, my dad, worked at a store that sold Shakespeare plays and brass instruments, and that store was called “Tuba or Not Tuba.” And then his brother, my uncle (the first guy) he took a cue from my dad, from “Tuba or Not Tuba.” (These all failed on the first day.) They opened a sushi restaurant together called “Tuna or Not Tuna” and that really doesn’t make any sense unless you’ve heard of the first store. A lot of people didn’t know that and it just tanked within the first hour. Scott: Wait is “tanked” the joke, because tuna comes from a fish tank? Harris: Yeah!
I think that an e-mail should be called an e-letter. You say, “I just got an e-mail”, but you wouldn’t say “I just got a mail.” You’d sound stupid.
I treated myself to a marathon jerk sesh last night. Not what it sounds like: I watched “The Jerk” twice while masturbating.
My friend can’t read and he’s trying to be a DJ. His DJ name is JD Dyslexic.
That’s tight, like oh so many assholes.
You can’t buy alcohol or drink in bars from 2 AM to 6 AM. It should be the opposite. Cause there’s like no cars on the road then. People should only drink then so that families at home and shit aren’t in danger.
Shouldn’t Planned Parenthood be called “Unplanned Parenthood”?
I bought a backpack at a store yesterday and the woman at the register asked if I wanted a bag for it. I said “Lady, that’s what it is!”
It’s silly that when you’re in a cold car and you want heat, cold air comes out first and it makes you colder. They should fix that!
You know how everyone says if you’re gonna get a dog you should adopt it? All fucking dogs are adopted! No one shoots dogs out of their pussies. Unless you’re Mrs. Brodis, Snoop’s mom.
A watched pot never boils? Yes it does.
Rolling Stones, “Who Do You Love?” Grammatically a disaster. It should be “Whom Do You Love?
It sucks knowing my kids will never know what it’s like to go to a Blockbuster. Cause I’m not letting ‘em go there. The prices are outrageous!
How come the shelves at Bed, Bath and Beyond be so tall? They should just call that place Tall Shelves, Tall Shelves, and Tall Shelves,
I’ve seen Julianne Moore’s tits more than my own penis!
If you go into a bank, can you get in trouble for yelling, “everybody get down!” without a gun or anything? Can you get in trouble for telling everyone to get down? No, James Brown does it every night!
Did you guys hear about that new deal that you go in on it with a cast member from That 70’s Show you get a discount on mustard and/or salad toppings? It’s a Laura Prepon Grey Poupon Crouton Groupon.
Neo-Nazi Supremes cover band called “The Supremacists”.
This is just a beef I have with The Wallflowers’s Song “One Headlight.” There’s a lyric in there that goes “I turn the engine but the engine doesn’t turn.” So you didn’t turn the engine, you motherfucker! Just the key!
You know how everyone says to get your porn name; you use your pet’s name and the street you grew up on? I have a new system and it works for anybody. Take your first name; change it to “Sir”. Then take your last name and change it to “Fucksalot”.
This is a character that’s only read the word “thermometer” but has never said it out loud: “Hey, what temperature does it say on that thermo-meter?”
This character was inspired by Friday Night Lights. It’s a shy, Texan teenager who’s trying to get his coach’s attention: “Cayouch! Cayouch! Cayouch? Cayouch! Cayouch? Cayouch! Excuse me, cayouch?”
Do you ever wonder if you’ll ever fall down again? It sucks that you can’t avoid that.
Anything’s a toilet if you shit on it!
Church is just a book club about the bible.
I think that Freud just really wanted to fuck his mom and then was like “Hey guys, isn’t it crazy that we all wanna do that?” And then his friends were probably like “I don’t!” And he’s like “Yeah you do, I’m fuckin’ Freud”.
I’ve decided that how much it would cost for me to only eat Vienna sausages in those little cans at 7-11 for two weeks straight, that’s all I eat, is $60,000 tax free. I just thought about that and I think that’s the amount it would take.
Do you think it would be cool if your dick could smell things?
This is a new character, he’s called Harvey Dangerfield: “I’m not sick but I’m not well, I get no respect!” That’s it.
I’m not impressed by juggling. Ok whatever you learned how to do that. That’s not a thing I chose to learn.
Toothpicks are bullshit. They don’t work. If you have something in your teeth, they won’t get it out. They’re thicker than every tooth gap.
I’m starting a campaign to change bygones into something. Everyone’s always trying to let them be bygones.
Downhill and uphill are both bad, it’s weird that they both mean a bad thing. “It’s all downhill from here” or “it’s all uphill from here.” Those are both shitty!
I think it’s insane that car radios exist. Period. All it is, it’s only a distraction. Like “oh I’m bored driving this two ton piece of metal, I should be able to do another activity”? And that car companies are like “Yes, this is a standard thing, this distraction we’ll put in your car.” We should only be driving like “whoa!!” the whole time!
~does a Steve impression from Sex in the City~
When someone talks about like, “I just met this girl and she was down for whatever.” That just means like ass fucking. That’s the only other thing!
I’ve decided that I’m not gonna get married until gay people can get married. Cause I’m gay!
I wanna open a Jamaican, Irish, Spanish small plate, breakfast restaurant and call it “Tapas the Mornin’ to Jah!”
I think that instead of them trying to desalinize the ocean, they should just add pepper!
It’s just like the movie Synecdoche, New York: too many characters!
I went to a Jack-in-the-Box that was open 24 hours and I got there at the 26th hour and it was closed.
Does anyone genuinely know why at grocery stores they offer a cash back option? Is that just to be nice? That’s like the bank offering you zucchinis!
When people genuinely thanked Einstein, do you think it sounded sarcastic?
This is topical about Earwolf. Jeff from Earwolf just had a baby, and they named the baby “Arden.” Do you think before that happened they said, “Let’s name her Arden in here!”
I’m pretty sad today. I just had my first unenjoyable Gotye listening session. I knew it was coming but now it’s just “Somebody that I used to know” that I used to know.
You know how people over pronounce something they’ll go “HW-eat thin!” or “HW-ile.” That’s a thing that proper folk do. But it should be “W-Heat thin” or “W-Hile”. Why does the H come before the W just because you’re pronouncing it like that?
You know Amazon the website? What does that look like in person? That’s gotta be one big room, huh?
You know when people say, “I’ve read studies” or “There’s been studies”… Let’s be honest, there’s probably been one study, or they read one study. I don’t think a lot of people read multiple studies on things.
In life, if someone farts it’s funny. If you go into a guy’s bathroom, everyone’s just farting and being very serious. Why is it not funny in there? It’s hilarious still!
Hey Brussels sprouts and broccolini, enjoy your 15 minutes!
Where there’s a will there’s a Wayans.
A lot of people ask me if I’ve ever tried to suck my own dick. And no, I haven’t! Cause I can’t!
I hate smoking sections, unless we’re talking about the movie The Mask, with Jim Carrey. Then the smoking section is my favorite part!
My therapist told me to look inward, and I thought he said “Look, N-word.”
I was out of dish detergent, so I tried to use dish soap, which was a disaster. And then I ran out of ranch dressing, so I used dish soap. Disaster. And then because I was using so much dish soap, I ran out, so I tried to clean dishes with peanut butter. Success!
I jerked off on Mulholland Dr. once. It was beautiful.
If someone’s being egregious, call them Egregious Philbin.
I bought a book on how to read. That thing was impossible to get through! (Then Scott explains that they did that exact joke – but better – on his TV show)
It’s funny that if air comes out of your butthole it’s gross, if it comes out of your mouth it’s funny, and if it comes out of your penis it’s cool.
(I call this one “Fun with words”) I’ve said, “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again” before, but I’ll say, “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again” again.
This just says, “Dr. Strangelove is not funny. Karate is funny.”
I know it’s not true, but I feel like twins get half the stuff in the womb.
I think there should be a contraption for putting on socks. But wouldn’t that be cool if there were two socks upright in this metal bracket on the ground and you just put your feet into it.
I’m on a crave diet. Which is: whatever you crave, eat it!
You know when someone asks you a question, like if I said “Do you know the time” and you go “What? Oh it’s 7.” Why did you say “What?” You then went on to answer the question, so don’t fuckin’ waste my time.
You know how there’s like candy and mints in bathrooms sometimes? That’s the last place I want by open food is around all this shit!
Coins are so worthless now that it’s gone from “You can keep the change” to “Can you keep the change?”
When is it not okay to jerk off to someone based off their memory?
ISIS, You SIS, We all SIS for Ice Chris.
Wheat thins? Call me when they’re Wheat THICKS! Gimme that wheat!
This is a true story: One time I said to a guy that I loved learning new things. I was like, “I’m a bit of an infomaniac.” And he thought I said nymphomaniac. So he fucked me. And I said, “No, no, no! I like info! I’m an infomanic!” and he said, “Well here’s some info, you just got fucked. Clean yourself up!”
When you see an audience clapping, it makes me feel like we’re animals. “I like that! I hit my hands!” It’s so dumb of us!
That reminded me of what mike and omar would take out the trash when they were young boys. Good Epps.
Malcolm G-mail Warner.
Alright, so this isn’t that worked out, but this is a true story. One time I said to a guy, uh that I love learning new things. I was like, ‘I’m a bit of an infomaniac.’ And he thought I said nymphomaniac. So he fucked me. And I said, ‘no no no, I like info. I’m an INFOmaniac.’ He said, ‘here’s some info: you just got fucked. Clean yourself up.‘
Notable acting roles
Internet column credits
Stephanie Wittels's (Harris's sister) book