Harris Wittels

Hi! This is a weird, shitty thing. This is Harris's sister, Stephanie. Twitter is going to start deleting inactive accounts in December, and it would be a goddamn tragedy if this account got sucked into oblivion. So I'm tweeting to ensure that doesn't happen. Signing off now.

Are any of you showbiz types looking for an assistant or writers assistant? Asking for a friend!!! Let me know thanks!

Just a reminder: my email is harriswittels@gmail.com. Thanks!

DONT STOP OR WE'LL DIE (my band with @paulrust and @michaelcassady) show at UCB sunset! Feb 28th! Tix here: https://sunset.ucbtheatre.com/performance/36959

Drake's new album is replacing Jon Stewart.

Lookin for a girl who hates to laugh.

Vampires can't die unless their heart is stopped. But like, same with humans? just havin some fun with thought experiments, i dunno.

Ya wear boots in, ya wear Nikes OUT. Profound words I just came up with.

Guys @jash is chill and will put up the video shortly. Thanks for your patience in what is the biggest global issue currently happening.

Historic @twittels set list from Comedy Death-Ray 1/11/11 #tacobell #marathonjerksesh

TRULY no reason to give the Little Caesars guy chest hair. #chesthair #pizzapizza http://instagram.com/p/yisqUOxBdx/

Shoutout to the homie Ben at @dinosaur_coffee for responding to my menu query email in a fast & friendly manner. Chill like iced coffee hehe

Trey with the Dead. Matt Skiba with Blink 182. I'm in hog heaven!

Easily my favorite trilogy of all time. http://instagram.com/p/yTsddnxBV5/

Genuinely enjoy Keith and Harry Connick's banter. Great guys with fun tudes.

The real culprit is whoever's job it was to properly inflate those footballs. They underinflated 11 out of 12 balls?? Grounds for removal.

May I do standup at your standup show? Please let me know thank you.

Parks and Rec is back tonight! Git some.

Damn dude. Sister from Boyhood looked faded as fuck.

Paul Thomas Anderson is the best filmmaker of all time past, present or future.

Happy birthday!

How did "colder than a witch's tit" catch on? I mean, that just, it don't make no sense. That dog don't hunt.

Guys liking puppies too hard when girls are present, consider this ya burn notice

Heads up -- Bringing back "sheesh."

That feeling of when you wake up and think it's just another day but then realize OH SHIT Its THROWBACK THURSDAY!!!

We can all learn a ton from Simon Birch. He's got such a big heart.

.@littlecaesars waiting ten minutes for my "Hot and Ready." Time for a name change: "Cold and Not Ready" or "Nonexistent and Nothing."

Replying to @NBCSports

Wouldn't have gone comic sans on this one “@NBCSports: LeBron James wears "I Can't Breathe": http://tw.nbcsports.com/EGv ”

Haha awww beavers are nature's little architects!

Just heard Pizza Hut is merging with Sunglass Hut. Know what they're calling it? Sunglass/Pizza Hut.

THAT was the new Star Wars movie ?? Thing was 90 seconds long! Where'd the money go, JJ? Where'd the money go!! Way to recruit, Georgey boy!

When the ad be longer than the clip you tryin to watch I be like 😕

At the risk of stereotyping, I feel like all gay people are just attracted to people of their own gender.

It's funny when I was a kid I always thought Joseph A. Bank was "Joseph aids cunt."

you guys have an hour to get to ucb sunset before i block you from twitter and my phone. #shitlist #nocomingback

Once again LA, if you don't come see my band tonight at 10:30 at UCB Sunset, we are legitimately no longer friends.

Refuses to get old:

For those doubting the Cosby allegations, the proof is in the puddin' pops.

Cole's Law: Cabbage and mayonnaise is disgusting.

Tix avail for DON'T STOP OR WE'LL DIE (me, @paulrust, @twittels) live @UCBSunset this Sat Nov 22! w/ @JoshFadem http://tinyurl.com/n2ypgpu

“@SarahKSilverman: Made this vid w @Sethrogen. Directed by @RobSchrab written by @twittels & @ARmenweitzman ENJOY!"

Almost starting to feel bad for Cosby. Did NO one wanna fuck this guy?

I'll never not be surprised at how far back the vagina is.

No matter how bad it gets, we can always be grateful that no one says "zing" anymore.

What's tightest about adulthood: if i open a pack of fruitsnacks and there ain't enuff reds, I can just CHUNK that bitch and open a new one.

I would say the "that's so fake" internet guy is the closest thing we have to a modern day hitler.

As a staunch feminist, I agree with Chelsea Handler. Women should be allowed to show their boobies openly and freely. Enough is enough.

There should be a German word for when you don't like someone, but then you hear them open up on a podcast and you gain empathy for them.

I wanna tape a standup special in a Turkish prison. Anyone that can help me do this, please let me know. @CAA @3Arts ??

Also if you live in LA and don't come to my band's fucking show we are literally no longer friends. Like, what a piece of shit you are.

Don't Stop or We'll Die is playing our own lil big show at the new UCB theatre on Nov 22nd. Join us yes? Tix here: https://sunset.ucbtheatre.com/performance/35233

Oh my goggles, I totally thought Too Many Cooks was a real show! I was like what are you serious right now I can't.

Man, this corporate sponsorship is getting outta hand I tell ya. Just the other day, I was offered tickets to a LinkedIn Park concert.

I have a few minutes. Anyone wanna argue about rape jokes or something? I'm pro. Go....

When a car starts going a little before the light turns green, Im like "oh shit they've been to this intersection before." I like that move.

Comedy moratorium: using Nickelback as a "bad music" reference

Here's one thing I know: if you are at a phish show, in Las Vegas, on Halloween, you will see 347 dudes dressed up as Hunter S. Thompson.

I'll fuckin catcall all night I don't care #wuddupladies

Cavs could lose literally every game this season and still be the best team in the NBA.

Replying to @OMGFacts

One of the lamer "facts" out there “@OMGFacts: I Was Never A Huge Fan Of Ellen—'til I Read These 15 Amazing Quotes> http://omgf.ac/ts/vpb ”

So I come to the Forum tonight (as I do every Friday night) and who else but Phish is here!! They're like my fav. This is nuts!

The ISIS bucket challenge? That something?

Rapists give horny dudes a bad name.

I wonder what vibe I carry when I walk into a room. Lord I hope it's chill.

In trailers, I love when they cut right in the middle of someone saying "motherfucker." Hell yea I'm gonna see it! Gotta see if they say it!

Wow! Just learned that Kenny Loggins got his name because he has a hard time remembering his gmail password and is always trying to log in.

Dreams come true kids. My band opens for Alkaline Trio tonight at the Troubador. Sold out. Tix on stubhub. https://m.stubhub.com/?s_tnt=61023:3:0&unified=1&view=2&event_id=9072435

Blair Witch Project? More like Scare Witch Project.

oh shit, @twittels was in the alternate opening for neighbors and now I wish that this was the real opening.

I had AIDS once

Please share your favorite "same birthday" stories.

Replying to @twittels

To reiterate, when not one but TWO people share a birthday, for my money, doesn't get any more insane than that.

When two people have the same birthday, it's like holy shit. Definitely worth noting and discussing.

Literally no one talks about Christian Bale's eye mole. I'm not crazy.

Replying to @ScottAukerman

.@ScottAukerman how are you handling all this Scotland stuff? Because of almost your name....

Out on bail, fresh outta jail, California dreamin

I just blew a 0.28. His name was Frank.

"I want to make sure you get home okay" sounds a lot like "I want to make sure you get homo, k?" as I just learned the hard way.

Everyone's pinky toe is a disaster.

Give money to dearest kulap's movie. So whatever she tells you to do. Thanks. https://indiegogo.com/projects/origin-story-a-documentary

Tonight one night only!! Don't Stop or We'll Die opens for Superchunk at a charity event. DM me if you want to attend!

Golden retrievers are not Jewish dogs. When Jews have one, I'm like what's goin on here?

Putting together a top ten "Who mourned him best" list. Get your votes in now!

My friends @jimandsam doing their thing

Good night, Vietnam.

This is some verrrry wild rice.

Life is so short, embrace every moment good & bad.. all apart of the journey.

Life is so short, embrace every moment good & bad.. all apart of the journey.

Waldo asked me to spot him at the gym. Couldn't do it.

Be nice to ALL babies because ya never know -- they could grow up to be hot.

.@SPINmagazine I appreciate the effort but the order is wayyy off. (Re: phish song rankings)

I love it when girls eat McDonalds

.@chrisbrown would love a follow!

.@NICKIMINAJ would love a follow!

.@HAIMtheband Would love a follow!

I'm a strong boy

Gimme them sketch video links y'all

I just want one of my best friends to die and to win a drag race in honor of him (against some girl's better advisement).

Hey @NickiMinaj it's Harris from last night.

When I search for something obscure, I feel bad for making my computer "work hard." Then I remember it's a computer. Then I give it a raise.

Sorry to bum you out, but those two otters that held hands broke up and don't even speak anymore. There's kids too. It's a whole mess.

Thinking about going to prison so I can get on a tv show.

I know a great web designer. She's a black widow. And a great human woman.

"It's the freakin squeakend baby I'm about to have me some nuts." The Chipmunks, Friday 5PM (co-written by @twittels)

Has Don't Stop or we'll Die ever played the song "Blood" on CBB? Let me know, nerds!

Trying to find a lover/best friend/partner in crime. Can't stress enough: I'm planning to commit a great deal of crimes & I need some help.

A watched tweet never collects favs y'all.

I'll fuck anyone, bro! It's either sexy or funny! Can't lose!

Does Cosplay have anything to do with Bill Cosby and is Peaches Gendolf...."Peaches?" like the pussy/crack one?

I can't believe I get to see The Unicorns next week. I want to just sleep and wake up and have it be then now. But it's nice to earn it too.

I still fall for it when a talkshow host raves about how much he liked the guest's movie. Ain't no Jon Stewart ain't no seen 3hrs of Boyhood

Whoa phish fall tour was made just for me. #LA #vegas #SantaBarbara #SanFrancisco

Call your folks!

This must be what the Analyze Phish studio is like, right? @twittels @ScottAukerman

I looove lettin someone else handle the small talk on an elevator when a new guy gets on. Prob my biggest passion.

Cleveland should trade Lebron to Israel! They would fuckin DOMINATE.

Bummed I never tried white rice with barbecue sauce when I was making poverty meals in college.

Drake sings, acts and tonight he hosted the ESPY's. Man, that guy can't do it all!

Aw man when eye boogers turn sharp, forget about it

Instagram's good for seein what people are up to.

All this tinder, okcupid talk. Um hello, Twitter's the best datin' site in the world!! Anyone wanna go on a date?!

Serious question: If you could suck your own dick, would you cum in your mouth? I think I'd try to finish on my tits.

You hear about the fat guy who created a dramedy? He got an Emmy nom nom nom.

New Analayze Phish podcast. We try to analyze Phish's new album "Fuego" but mostly just fight a lot. http://earwolf.com/episode/fuego/

Nathan for You is the only show I have actually belly laughed at while watching alone since I was like 13.

Food is like WAY fucking in right now!

Tired of everyone saying Jews have the biggest dicks. Complimentary stereotypes are still stereotypes. (Tryin to get this goin)

2 legitimately 2 quitimately

I'll never be at 69 followers again. Wait! UNLESS I say the n-word a bunch of times and LOSE enough followers! ...but is it worth it....?

"Eyelids." Gross.

My band's album is #7 on billboard comedy. We beat Lonely Island in only their 55th week. http://m.billboard.com/entry/view/id/92947 #humblebrag

three words: "one word: plastics."

.@twittels and @armenweitzman on making their short film directorial debut http://splitsider.com/2014/07/harris-wittels-and-armen-weitzman-on-making-their-directorial-debut-with-the-short-the-badgers-promise/

If conservative idiots consider life to begin at conception, then why do they all celebrate their birthdays as the day they were born?

Why isn't Nick Nolte dead?

Yo recomiendo el podcast Analyze Phish, si masticas el inglés, checa al torpe @twittels y al jefe @ScottAukerman, hablar sobre "Phish". KGD

One time in college I went down on Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top's beard's pussy.

Can someone DM me where Lebron's going?

Call your mom.

.@twittels 'It's good! It's funky!' fan art

I wish I had a Fran Drescher doll to fuck.

If anyone wants to make a shirt that says "It's good! It's funky!" I'll take two. Lookin at you @earwolf

Further Analyze Phish news, Scott and I will be recording an analyzation of Phish's new album, Fuego, this weekend.

I belieeeeve if you stay up til midnight tonight a new Analyze Phish will be released. Enjoy. Shit gets weird!

“@BabcocksFlyHair: @twittels please delete your twitter site” my twitter "site"??? What are you, a hundred and five?

Replying to @twittels

Repost for the daytime crew: @twittels: New Don't Stop or We'll Die full length album, "Gorgeous" is now on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/gorgeous/id890064003

Oh and @pgookii for photography! And you guys, for listening! okay im done, what is this the oscars? jesus. sorry guys.

Big ups to @dmolad for producing, @emeenz for mixing, @PeerlessMaster for mastering and @NickfromIslands for artwork. Very pumped.

New Don't Stop or We'll Die full length album, "Gorgeous" is up on iTunes!!! Go n git it!!! https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/gorgeous/id890064003

Hoping one of us can produce the World Cup reaction tweet that really pushes through and creates a difference. #80years#dead#allofus

Stoked to do asssscat tonight at UCB where the homie @matttskiba of Alkaline Trio will be doing guest monologues.

I just want you all to know that even though I have been CRUSHING it on twitter lately, it hasn't changed who I am. Thanks everyone.

More ashamed of what i look at while my D's still out after a fresh J, than what I look at during an actual J.

I can tear up from thinking about a fat nerd's dad loving him.

Even though acknowledging death is alt-hacky now, we're all dead in 80 years, so you can stop getting offended by stuff.

I'd rather be hot than cold. When you're cold you can merely put on more layers, but when you're hot you can rip off all your skin.

The foundation of any house is trust.

I'm starting a cult. Gettin all the ladies pregs and the dudes will do farm work and I'll play songs in the evening.

Difference between bad and good movies: good movies have ice in the drinks and bad ones look like they've been sitting there for weeks

Regarding Phish's new album: it's really good. Sad they left "you never know" off of it but love fuego, wingsuit, waiting, 555 and wombat.

I don't know if there's a god or not, but I will say this: Cap'n Crunch Oops All Berries is bomb as fuck.

Help!! I have to spend 30 million dollars in 30 days. I watched Brewster's Millions, but that only ate up like 15 bucks.

New phish album. Wanna do some analyze phish with me? Listen and lemme know your thoughts. Don't be unfunny or a dick https://t.co/3cDcQ0hf4C?amp=1

I feel like i wanna talk to any girl i slept with one time from 17 - 23 and just be like "how are you, that was weird huh? remember that?"

I don't like that it's okay to make fun of borat now, or to ironically say "my wife" or whatever. It's a very funny movie, you hip assholes.

Your dads are fuckin nerds, bro

.@stouffers I know you make your film super flimsy to save money, but that shit is hard to remove. It rips too easily. Please advise.

Whoa the Internet is quick. Job taken. Thanks for the offers, you friendly motherfuckers

If I email one of you a JPEG can you resize it for me? Lemme know. Need it like tonightish. We'll be friends forever.

It always kinda bums me out when I see a band play a show and none of them have on a wedding ring.

Do whatever the hell ya like. See if I give a shit.

I would never try to tackle "single ladies" at karaoke, but i'd have sex with them.

Oh nicki minaj, just show your tits already

Sure you've had sex, but have you ever truly fucked?

Anyone at The Faint in LA? @reptarathens just crushed it.

Hey advertisers, call prune juice "plum juice" and you move a billion more units. I promise.

Ladies, the quickest way into my pants is making me laugh.

Replying to @ruddlee

“@ruddlee: @twittels 0, I'm 19” well don't go murdering girls about it

Replying to @JakeBasner

Ugh “@JakeBasner: that's the problem with anonymous glory holes... As far as I know it's the same person on the other side every time.”

How many people have you had sex with? No joke answers for once in your goddamn life.

And then I made it and he punched me in the stomach

Your whole job as a 14 year old is to see how much you can get away with. I once was told not to make a joke about this one kids grandmother

Before chastising bieber just think real long and hard about any fucked up jokes you made when you were 14. Probably a couple right?

Whys everyone focusing on the playoffs and #YesAllWomen?? Im watching this developing news story about Robert Redford stuck on this boat!

Ey come to this shit on Friday. Gonna be a real hoot. http://losangeles.ucbtheatre.com/shows/view/3844

Don't Stop or We'll Die's first full length album "Gorgeous" available soon. Thanks to @dmolad and @emeenz for their mad mixing skills.

None of you are allowed to be friends with any of my ex girlfriends, okay?

Honored to be a part of this very serious play by Neil Campbell and Paul Rust. Tix here: http://losangeles.ucbtheatre.com/shows/view/3844

I remember as a boy thinking the word memorial sounded delicious, because it reminded me of Oreo in a way. I was in for a RUDE awakening.

There's no way to say this in light of all the stuff, but... am I... still allowed to try to get pussy? #bannedforlife ill see myself out

Easily the two least tatted teams in the league.

"Billy's Crystals" - almost our new album name, but was vetoed and it couldn't just damn well go to waste, so there ya go.

I hope Paul George eventually gets to team up with a player named John Ringo. Has this been observed a lot already?

If you shouldn't body shame women shouldn't you not tell them they look pretty either? It places value on physical appearance.

Osama in Obama's body: "1st order of business, we kill all Americans." Obama's chief of staff: "um sir are you feeling okay?"

A body switch movie with Obama and Osama would be dope. And like, Obama has to get out of his body before he is killed. And they're friends!

Sorry, their phone isn't "fucked up."

youtube.com/watch?v=IUcNQ69F0_0 i told st. vincent jokes once, which resulted in her getting on SNL i presume

Is it pedophilic to jerk off to my old high school hook ups? whats the statute on that?

Not to be "that guy," but sometimes it seems like ALL plutonium is weapons grade!

Also lets stop finding a new witch of the week and burning them at the stake. We are all horrible and wonderful and figuring it out.

Isn't it more racist for everyone else to assume Macklemore looks Jewish while dressed like that? He never said Jewish once.

Footloose might actually be a better soundtrack than Dirty Dancing. Title track alone is like having Lebron on your team.

Instagram on Saturday night is a fucking bum out festival. (Also on any day and also everything besides Instagram as well)

The assistant tweet wasn't a joke by the way. Okay cool thanks see ya.

Re: nephew tweet, those of you saying "mouth, sock, etc" -- that's the joke. You aren't adding anything, just verbalizing the insinuation.

It's funny that Bruce Lee's name was "Bruce."

My friend told me his nephew is really coming into his own. His own WHAT? COMING INTO HIS OWN WHAT??!!?

I decided tonight I am going to start a summer camp for adults. Is that something? Sounds fun kinda right?

Its funny we each have our 2 or 3 people who fav all our tweets. do you think they all know each other? This tweets for you: The favers!

Celebs shouldnt be allowed to make a billion dollars doing Applebees voiceover AND not have to say their name. Should have to say your name!

i hope these OKC refs are assassinated.

I wanna watch your sketch videos. Give me the link to your sketch videos. for real.

Watched Blazing Saddles with @ARmenWeitzman and @BDayBoysMitch. Lots of forced nostalgia laughs on their end. Not a funny movie. Sorry guys!

I think "Fried" would be a cool name. Fried Jones, Fried McMalley, Fried Rice. You expecting mothers out there can have it. Happy moms day!

There's about 17 of y'all I'm waiting on to break up with your boyfriend.

Only an idiot would think that was an insult. Comedians dont laugh out loud at every joke they are told, but if he doesnt there's dead air.

I hope you can't get a hernia from courtesy laughing... for Chris Hardwick's sake #@midnight

If I get married, we're gonna honeymoon in Poundtown. And if that ain't a real place, I ain't gettin married, Jacko.

I dunno, if you ask me, summer sausage IS salami. Also, it's crazy to think any one of us is more important than an ant.

Too many green lights! Tryna send this goddamn email, motherfuckers! Gimme a fuckin break!

set 2 yall. give it a try. the whole thing. report back to me after and we'll discuss. http://phishtracks.com/shows/1997-12-06/tweezer

Summah Summit FAQ - Will @JohnRoycomic & @twittels be performing? Yes!! https://nerdmeltla.com/tickets2/index.php?event_id=863

Just helped a lizard escape my yard before the dog I'm babysitting found it. Eat your heart out, Harriet Tubman.

Have to pee too often? Drink more corks. #lifehack

In defense of Donald Sterling, saying racist shit to my girlfriend is the only way I can cum. (Edited for typo thank you)

Friday. The live animated @PictureThisShow at @TrepanyHouse w/ @twittels, @AngelCityBeer +: http://trepanyhouse.tix.com/Event.aspx?EventCode=623524

Prom Night, 9pm tonight w/ @twittels @ChrisThayerSays @byronbowers @MrEmilyHeller @TotallyAllen ! + MORE. UNREAL. https://facebook.com/events/256577771188652/

Sometimes it seems like some of y'all say quirky things in life so you can tell people about it on twitter. Not very trill at all.

Does anyone have the Lindsay finale recorded still that I could watch? Or do you have the OWN network on demand? This is for real as pharell

I just watched one of your shitty comedy videos. Time to hang it up, brotha.

Turned 30 yesterday and feel its high time I start a family. Lemme know if you're down (can be mixed race, etc)

Came to coachella to turn 30. Hurt my back bad. @BDayBoysMitch passed a kidney stone. Everything's addin up.

I'm at coachella? So yea that's it. Im just... here.

Just a reminder: those who say "foam corner" to me or any variation on that get BLOCKED WITHOUT TRIAL.

Just pirated that Captain Phillips movie. Guess I am the captain now? #olddraft #surewhynot #draftday #costner

Replying to @EmileHirsch

Its just you n me here, bud. I'm harris. RT @EmileHirsch Why r they called "night owls" and not just "owls"? I mean, there are no day owls.

Wed, see @DougBenson @brookswheelan @emilymayamills @tommyjohnagin @dubouchet @whitmerthomas and @twittels! Meltdown! http://ow.ly/vM5Q4

2NITE TLily 8pm @iowest http://bit.ly/1h0KX2T @twittels @mattbesser @Braunger @mattkirshen @Apey @DebraDiGiovanni @pauldanke @melindahill +

If within ten pictures you cant figure out if she got big titties, she don't.

Jackass is one of the six.

What's Jenks up to these days?

Happy to report: Wet Hot American Summer is another one of the six.

Those movies WERE funny. Comedy doesnt age well. "Lyle: How 'bout some more beans, Mr. Taggart? Taggart: I'd say you've had enough!"

Dr. Strangelove is not. Blazing Saddles is not. The Jerk is not. if you disagree, you are old and have a hard time letting go.

Billy Madison and Macgruber are two of them.

Only 6 movies are funny.

I hope kids start saying "wonderful" instead of "sick" or "chill." "This song is wonderful./ Your car is wonderful." I dunno, it'd be cute.

I would kill you or any of your parents to even just touch Lori from Shark Tank's bra. Like not even actual boob. just bra. parents. dead.

RE: James Franco- How many guys must we persecute for trying to fuck high school girls before we realize maybe SOCIETY is wrong on this one?

I'm gonna let you guys know in 7 minutes if a coffee filter is a viable pasta strainer.

If you see 3 verifieds conversing on twitter-- and you yourself are verified-- jump on in! Do not jump in if you arent verified. #4verifieds

Just found out my dad's worn the same pair of shoes everyday for ten years. Thought he was buying replacements. So HAM.

How do you wash a hat? I'm leaning towards shampoo since it's a head thing. But it's also clothes. Gonna tweet instead of google, for humor.

Yo I'm tryna get in a lengthy twitter convo with 3 other verifieds. Get at me please thank you.

Replying to @SleepawayCampLA

Doing standup tonight at the Downtown Independent... “@SleepawayCampLA: 2NITE! @mhttps://www.facebook.com/events/1406621399601416/”

The radish is rad...ish.

"to hold a pen is to be at war." -voltaire "to hold a penis. to be at war." -weird to-do list

Just saw a cat. Not kidding.

The least funny people dispense the most improv advice.